Happy Birthday to Me?

I hate celebrating birthdays.

Well, no not really, I LOVE celebrating other people's birthdays.
Mine? Not so much.

Maybe its because these past 3 birthdays something has happened to upset me (and I have this feeling that this birthday is not going to be different)? Maybe, I dunno.. but its probably something more than that.

You know that cynical way of looking at birthdays, that you are technically celebrating getting a day closer to your death? Well, depressing fact, it's true. I mean, hello... you aren't getting any younger.

I think that plays a major part in why I dislike celebrating my birthday.

No, I do not fear aging, but when the day comes around, it emphasizes the fact that a whole year passed, a whole year got knocked off my life, and I accomplished nothing.

Nothing in the since that I allowed this life's minute details to distract me from accomplishing anything that really matters, goals that I set for myself, things that would really make me truly happy, not superficially.

Basically, at the end of the day, I'm not the person who I want to be.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind just fast forwarding my birthday... but what would I tell my friends and family, ummm thanks for the sentiments and presents, but I'd rather just forget my birthday, you can take them back?

Yeah, maybe I'm a pessimist.... but whatever.

I never get what I want for my birthday because no one can give it to me, and I can't spend the day with people who actually care because they're all far away.

So I'd rather not celebrate a day that just brings to light everything I try to push away.

Happy Birthday to Me? Eh.. no, not really.

'A Man Who Needs Nothing is Invincible'.

The hardest thing ever is showing that you care.

Admitting that you need things or people ultimately makes you look weak.

The minute you let people know things matter to you, you have made your weaknesses visible, you are no longer invincible.

You are Vulnerable.

No one wants to be vulnerable, to admit something matters immensely to them. Because people can either:

1. Use it against them
2. Take it away from them

And, in both ways, hurt them.

So what do you do if you do care about something, someone? Do you show it?
Do you put yourself on that ridiculously high limb and prepare yourself for the intense plunge into the unknown?

You'll, more often than not find yourself in limbo between wanting to show how much you care and hiding your weakness.

The best choice then? Remain neutral, keep your emotions low-key.

In the ever constant battle between catharsis and avoiding the risk of not having the feelings requited, its best to just test out the waters.

Its their birthday, for example, what do you do? Do you send a heartfelt card and meaningful present or do you send an impersonal ecard to simply let them know you remembered?

Now you have to decide which is worse, them knowing how much you care about them and risk them not feeling the same and they move away from you or them thinking you don't care when you both really do and they move away.... or that they don't care enough either way.. that whether you send something, anything, or nothing, it doesn't make a difference to them.
That they forgot about you.

Is reminding someone that you care and having them not care anymore in return better than keeping your feelings bottled up and risking them caring for you but waiting for a sign from you, a green light, and, when not receiving one, leaving you? Or is finding out that they didn't even care enough about you in the first place to care about how you feel about them anymore the worst?

I don't know.

I care. I care about people, about things, about everything.

I care.

I am vulnerable. I am not invincible, nor do I want to be.

Yet why do I find myself in that limbo sometimes, debating whether to show my emotions or not to, when I never had a second thought about that before?

Why is showing that you care for people, that you need them, so hard?

Well, its obvious. Its the fact that they might not need you, care for you and the painful repercussions that that may cause which ultimately prevents people from doing so. I guess people would rather be hurting alone, then go through self-inflicted pain brought on by revealing their weaknesses.

People want to be invincible.

And It's Beginning to Get to Me..

I wish
I was a mind reader,
I knew how to help people,
I knew what to do,
I could turn back time,
I could start over,


I wish I wasn't left here to wonder.


And Its beginning to get to me that I can't and that I am and that there is ultimately nothing I can do about it.

3 days..

What Really Grinds My Gears

1. Guys in Skinny Jeans - No.
2. Girls in Skinny Jeans - Not many can actually pull it off
3. Skinny Jeans - Some people just can't accept the fact that they CAN'T pull them off.. stop selling them
4. People Telling Me How I Feel - What, are you a mind reader or something?
5. Guys Who Do Their Eyebrows - Yeah, thanks for making it even harder for the non-plastic girls
6. People IMing You When You're 'Appear Offline" - TAKE THE HINT. If I'm no online, I don't want to talk to you
7. Back Biters - Get a back bone. Say it to my face
8. Gossipers - Are you so insignificant that you can't think of anything about yourself interesting to talk about that you have to talk about others?
9. Liars - Why bother talking?
10. Yams - Blech
11. When You Iron a Shirt and Then Decide Not to Wear It - I did not just waste 5 minutes on my life NOT to wear this shirt
12. B.O - Shower, deodarant, body spray = friends
13. Socks With Sandals - NO.
14. Homophobs - If the gays aren't coming onto you, then just let them be
15. People Who Act Like They Know Everything - Yeah, just shut up. You're not fooling anyone.
16. Happy People - What the hell are you so damn happy about?
17. When You Mail Packages and They Get Sent Back To You - If I mailed it out, I don't want it back damn it
18. Jay-Walkers - USE THE FREAKIN CROSS WALK
19. When Attatchments Take Forever to Attatch - Why??
20. Clingy People - Ever heard of personal space?
21. Jealous People - If you want to hate yourself, leave me out of it
22. People Who Dress Half Naked - No one wants to see that
23. Kids Who Stare at You at Restaurants - Yeah, cause thats what we all love, a lil brat staring at you
24. People who say matore instead of mature - You don't sound smart so just stop.
    
    And the list goes on...

Tonight I'm Dining Alone..

People are over-rated.

Friendships, relationships, acquiantanceships.. when push comes to shove, at the end of the day, is it ever ever worth it?

People are selfish beings... like Adam Smith said, people do things purely out of self interest. They use you until they have no use for you, then toss you away.

Is there truly a pure friendship? A friendship as in, "I'm your friend solely because I like you and want nothing from you". No, there isn't. Why would you keep someone around that you have no need for? As cynical as it sounds, it doesn't make sense to.

Having friends is tiring and emotionally draining, not only do you have your own problems and work, but you have to have the energy to deal with someone else's. Why on earth would you go through that if you received nothing out of the friendship?

So, after all the drama and spent time, is it, being used, really worth it? Because that's what it boils down to.. two people mutually using each other.

Relationships? Same deal, but it gets even more complicated. It's one person using another to fill a void in their life. They need meaning, companionship, love, someone to love, and they use that person to satisfy those needs.

Relationships are draining, there's always the fear of 'falling out' of love. There is that constant need to prove your love and devotion and the constant craving for some in return. Relationships are even more selfish than friendships, they are insatiable.

Is the pressure and companionship worth being used to fill a hole? Because that's what it boils down to.. two people mutually using each other to fight loneliness.

Acquiantanceships are perhaps the safest option. Nothing is expected from any party involved. You're not expected to return calls, listen to problems, help out, be loyal, or care. No obligations, no expectations. But if they do need the other person, there's no front, no facade of being friends or lovers.. its a straight up 'hey, I need you for this, just this, and then you can get lost'. No emotions to deal with, no favors to return, no pressure.

But What Happens When One User No Longer Needs the Usee?

Somebody gets hurt.

There is never a guarantee that both persons mutually stop needing each other; sometimes, one person still needs the other. But can you honestly expect someone to hang around so you can continue to use them? No. They will out of self interest, as Adam Smith said, go off to find someone who can satisfy their needs that their previous friend or partner could not.

The right thing to do? Let the person go, and allow both of the people involved to move on. People are selfish though, they can't let things go if they feel they can still use them. They'd rather hold the other person down than let the person get on without them.

Selfishness is behind every friendship, relationship, and acquiantanceship. It's behind every action, thought, and desire.

Selfishness is what drives the world forward and pulls individuals backward.

But I guess at the end of the day...if I use you and you use me and we're both aware of us using each other, than its not that bad, is it?

What do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?

ommmgggggggg


I don't want to stuuuddddyyy.





Man, seriously, I'm sorry, but I do not find 'The Articulate Voice' to be a captivating book worth skimming through it, let alone reading it. So what if I don't say the [U] sound correctly because I refuse to look like an idiot:

Would YOU want to look like that?

Yeah, didn't think so.

I'd rather keep my lips motionless and distort sounds than look like I'm trying to kiss/suck the person I'm talking to.

Damn articulation.

Love! I shall not love, yet I'll still sing about it.

So. Sarah thought she could out do me, did she?
Well... All I have to say is this:

You're smart, but in a stupid way.

That salad last night? yeah.. I was there..
The slicing your finger with a pen knife? I saw that..
The building a lamp post with the top part 5 times as big and heavy as the tiny, dinky post? I watched..
Typing without putting the cursor in the comment box? I heard that..

Those 10 blog posts you have on me are nothing, NOTHING.

This means War.