Happy Birthday to Me?

I hate celebrating birthdays.

Well, no not really, I LOVE celebrating other people's birthdays.
Mine? Not so much.

Maybe its because these past 3 birthdays something has happened to upset me (and I have this feeling that this birthday is not going to be different)? Maybe, I dunno.. but its probably something more than that.

You know that cynical way of looking at birthdays, that you are technically celebrating getting a day closer to your death? Well, depressing fact, it's true. I mean, hello... you aren't getting any younger.

I think that plays a major part in why I dislike celebrating my birthday.

No, I do not fear aging, but when the day comes around, it emphasizes the fact that a whole year passed, a whole year got knocked off my life, and I accomplished nothing.

Nothing in the since that I allowed this life's minute details to distract me from accomplishing anything that really matters, goals that I set for myself, things that would really make me truly happy, not superficially.

Basically, at the end of the day, I'm not the person who I want to be.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind just fast forwarding my birthday... but what would I tell my friends and family, ummm thanks for the sentiments and presents, but I'd rather just forget my birthday, you can take them back?

Yeah, maybe I'm a pessimist.... but whatever.

I never get what I want for my birthday because no one can give it to me, and I can't spend the day with people who actually care because they're all far away.

So I'd rather not celebrate a day that just brings to light everything I try to push away.

Happy Birthday to Me? Eh.. no, not really.

'A Man Who Needs Nothing is Invincible'.

The hardest thing ever is showing that you care.

Admitting that you need things or people ultimately makes you look weak.

The minute you let people know things matter to you, you have made your weaknesses visible, you are no longer invincible.

You are Vulnerable.

No one wants to be vulnerable, to admit something matters immensely to them. Because people can either:

1. Use it against them
2. Take it away from them

And, in both ways, hurt them.

So what do you do if you do care about something, someone? Do you show it?
Do you put yourself on that ridiculously high limb and prepare yourself for the intense plunge into the unknown?

You'll, more often than not find yourself in limbo between wanting to show how much you care and hiding your weakness.

The best choice then? Remain neutral, keep your emotions low-key.

In the ever constant battle between catharsis and avoiding the risk of not having the feelings requited, its best to just test out the waters.

Its their birthday, for example, what do you do? Do you send a heartfelt card and meaningful present or do you send an impersonal ecard to simply let them know you remembered?

Now you have to decide which is worse, them knowing how much you care about them and risk them not feeling the same and they move away from you or them thinking you don't care when you both really do and they move away.... or that they don't care enough either way.. that whether you send something, anything, or nothing, it doesn't make a difference to them.
That they forgot about you.

Is reminding someone that you care and having them not care anymore in return better than keeping your feelings bottled up and risking them caring for you but waiting for a sign from you, a green light, and, when not receiving one, leaving you? Or is finding out that they didn't even care enough about you in the first place to care about how you feel about them anymore the worst?

I don't know.

I care. I care about people, about things, about everything.

I care.

I am vulnerable. I am not invincible, nor do I want to be.

Yet why do I find myself in that limbo sometimes, debating whether to show my emotions or not to, when I never had a second thought about that before?

Why is showing that you care for people, that you need them, so hard?

Well, its obvious. Its the fact that they might not need you, care for you and the painful repercussions that that may cause which ultimately prevents people from doing so. I guess people would rather be hurting alone, then go through self-inflicted pain brought on by revealing their weaknesses.

People want to be invincible.

And It's Beginning to Get to Me..

I wish
I was a mind reader,
I knew how to help people,
I knew what to do,
I could turn back time,
I could start over,


I wish I wasn't left here to wonder.


And Its beginning to get to me that I can't and that I am and that there is ultimately nothing I can do about it.

3 days..